We never know what people are experiencing internally with looking at them from the outside. Over 20 years ago, I was contemplating to kill myself. I sat on my mother and father couch in the basement in the dark with all white on trying to figure out if it was best to slash my throat or wrist. Which one would be the less painful but quick? I started practicing on my wrist as I saw some blood coming out I thought whom this way would be the easiest and quickest. I pondered on all my life turmoil and I just did not see a reason for me being here anymore. I felt no one loved me and they would not even know I was gone. I thought about every argument and every fight I had with my family members. I thought about how no matter what I did it just wasn’t good enough for them. I thought even when I try to get ahead the devil is right there to pull me back. I was like I cannot even get the relationship right with men, it is always an epic failure. I killed a life growing inside of me because of fear of my parents and how people would see me.The only thing I felt I could had loved and it would had loved me back. So, I was like okay let’s do this I do not want to cause any more pain with me being around.
As the tears started to fall from my eyes I heard a voice tell me to look at the light. When I stared in that direction I saw my dad’s bible and I walked over to it. As, I started to read it I could not stop crying. The razor fail from my hand and I bent down on my knees dripping in tears giving my whole heart and my life to the higher power. This is the day I saw life from a new perspective. This day is the day I chose to live. This is the day I saved myself.
On the darkest day of my life a death took place in order for a transformation to occur into a new form of life. I no longer was the same after that day. I started seeking after the spirit and I lived my life confined to it. I spent most of my free time in the bible and attending church. I felt if no one else loved me I loved myself and that is all the love I needed. I spent my time daily journaling and creating devotions to express my struggles and how I was conquering them. I prayed and prayed and prayed for my family to no longer be parted but for us to come together as one in love. At this point in my life it was no stopping me. That day not only saved me but it killed a very dark side of myself to birth the light igniting in me. I give thanks for all of this that occurred with me because now as the church people would say, “I am a living testimony”, lol! My story has saved many and will continue to save others because once we know we do have a purpose here in this lifetime on earth killing ourselves is not an option. We bring value to this earth and we have a message to leave when we part and transition into the spirit world amongst our ancestors. Our very existence matters, our energy makes a difference to the existence around us. We are loved and when we can see that this is when we start winning. Love is not something someone can give you or provide you. Love is you. You are love and through my journey of the self I have learned this and it makes all of the difference. When we know we are love this is when love connects for us. One thing I have learned through this journey of self is in order to get what you are seeking you have to become it. This is exactly what I have done and will continue to do.
Help Them Get Help
Suicides are becoming more common these days and I am hoping today that this story changes someone’s decision to live. I just want to say never assume the looks of a person on the outside is great because you never know what they are dealing with internally. Talk with people, get to know them, be receptive to them and if they show signs of anxiety, depression or suicide help them to get help. Contact 1-800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/ for help whether you are the victim or know the victim. Let’s start saving more lives from this tragedy.
My message to the suicidal ones:
I hope you reading this makes a difference and changes your decision to live. I do not go a day without giving thanks, without talking and connecting with God or the higher power. I give thanks to be here and be able to share my story had I taken my life I would not of had this opportunity to save someone else that is dealing with the same thing.
Know you have a purpose in this life every day you are given another day to breathe and awaken too. Our existence does matter and makes a difference in many lives we connect with each day. I see suicide now as a selfish act because we are only thinking about us and not how not being here will impact those that love us and we connect with daily. Sit and meditate and ask God/Higher Power/Allah/Ifa/Buddha or whatever entity you believe in to show you how life would be if you did not exist. Truly concentrate and focus to see how much you really do matter to those that love you. I am in hope today that one person will read this and chose life. Knowing that I saved someones life lets me know my work has been done. Choose life today believe me it is worth living.
I give thanks for life. Give thanks for higher power and my ancestral guides and spirits watching over and protecting me from my own self. Today 20 something years later I feel great to let many know I am a suicide survivor.
